If the tag line of this post caught your attention, you might be reading this because you’re in that tricky space where part of you wants to recover from your eating disorder, but another part isn’t quite ready. This internal tug-of-war is more common than you think, and it’s a crucial part of the journey towards healing.
Imagine waking up and thinking, “Maybe today’s the day I start recovery for real.” But then a voice whispers, “Not yet. I’m not ready.” It’s like standing at a fork in the road, unsure which path to take. On one hand, there’s a glimmer of hope for a life free from the constraints of disordered eating. On the other, there’s a nagging fear of letting go of something that has become an integral part of your identity, even though it’s chaotic. This state of ambivalence is not only quite typical but also a significant step in the recovery process.
Understanding Ambivalence in Eating Disorder Recovery
Many ED sufferers have endeared such long roads with their disorder, it’s become their familiar, go-to source of comfort. The prospect of leaving this comfort zone can feel incredibly daunting, even if you know it no longer serves its purpose. But it’s crucial to recognize this comfort zone isn’t providing the comfort and protection it once did. In fact, it’s likely holding you back from experiencing all that life has to offer.
It’s also worth noting that ambivalence isn’t a one-time hurdle to overcome. It’s more like a recurring character in the story of your recovery – showing up at different stages, sometimes when you least expect it. Recognizing this, and being aware of it when it presents, can help you develop strategies to cope with these feelings as they arise.
Biological and Psychological Impacts upon Recovery from Eating Disorders
From a biological perspective, long-term eating disorders can actually alter brain chemistry. Years of disordered eating patterns can alter brain chemistry, affecting neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine. These changes can make the idea of altering your eating behaviours feel physically and emotionally overwhelming. It’s as if your brain has been rewired to resist change, even when that change is ultimately beneficial.
Psychologically, eating disorders often develop as coping mechanisms for complex underlying issues. They often provide a sense of control in an otherwise chaotic world, or offer a distraction from painful emotions. The prospect of giving up this perceived safety net can trigger intense anxiety and resistance. It’s like being asked to jump out of a plane without a parachute – the fear of the unknown can be paralysing. Eating disorders can also become intertwined with your identity and relationships. You may worry about how recovery will affect your interactions with others, or your sense of self. This social aspect of ambivalence is often overlooked but can be a significant factor in hesitating recovery.
One aspect of this ambivalence seldom discussed is the concept of eating disorder nostalgia. As recovery progresses, some people report experiencing a bittersweet longing for aspects of their disorder. This doesn’t mean they want to return to the depths of their illness, but rather that they miss certain elements – perhaps the sense of achievement from restriction, or the rush of endorphins from purging. Having these feelings doesn’t make you bad or weak; it’s just part of the complex recovery process. Another concept is recovery imposter syndrome. As you start to get recover, you might question whether you were “sick enough” to need help in the first place. This self-doubt can make you second-guess your commitment to recovery. It’s important you remember that your recovery struggle is valid regardless of the severity of your eating disorder.
Strategies to Help with Indecision and Uncertainty in Eating Disorders Recovery
So, what can you do when you’re feeling ambivalent about recovery? Here are some suggestions:
1. The most important strategy is to remember why you’re doing this
Have clearly defined reasons why you want to recover. If you don’t have these yet, spend enough time with this topic and establish your reasons for recovery. If you struggle, as a trusted family member or friend who knows you (and your struggle) well. Having someone to help you tease out your feelings and thoughts can help you figure it out. In short, knowing our “why”, helps ground us in times when we’re uncertain or ambivalent.
2. Explore the “pros” and “cons”
Make a list of what your eating disorder provides you and what it takes away. Be honest with yourself about the long-term consequences of maintaining disordered behaviours. Be real with the answers and don’t avoid the difficult answers that may come from this list. It’s time your faced up to what this disorder has added and taken away from your life.
3. Practice self-compassion
Understand that conflicting feelings are a natural part of the recovery process. Treat yourself with kindness as you work through these emotions. If you struggle, imagine how you would coach and support a friend who was struggling with the same issues. Think of the words you would use, the support you would provide, and how caring you would be towards them. This should serve as a yardstick for you to reflect on how you should be treating yourself.
4. Also practice accountability
Remember that you are the only one that can realise recovery within you. This requires you to face your disorder (in an honest and open manner – see point #2 and #3.) and action your recovery steps.
5. Visualize your future
Imagine two versions of yourself five years from now – one who chose recovery and one who didn’t. What do their lives look like? Again, be real and honest with the answers and take enough time to consider all the aspects of your life that would (and would not) be affected by the disorder.
6. Professional support
Share your reflections and feelings with your treatment team. They may offer more structured techniques to help with your ambivalence and help you gain clarity.
7. Journal your journey
Writing down your thoughts and feelings throughout the recovery process can help you keep perspective and stay focussed on the big picture of recovery, especially when faced with setbacks, or you’re experiencing mood dips. It also helps you identify certain patterns, and also track your progress over time. This info can all be valuable information and points of reference when self-doubt creeps in.
Taking the Next Step in Your Recovery Journey
If you struggle with indecision, know that you have the strength within you to choose recovery, even if that choice feels uncertain right now. Being undecided about recovery doesn’t make you a failure. It makes you human. The path to healing is rarely linear, and it’s okay to take time to process your feelings and make decisions at your own pace.
Your eating disorder may have been a chapter in your life, but it doesn’t have to be the whole story. The journey ahead may be challenging, but it also holds the promise of a life filled with freedom, authenticity, and true nourishment – both for your body and your soul.
Online Treatment Options for Eating Disorders (Perth, WA)
At Reverence Recovery, we offer online eating disorder treatment options for clients. We’re located in Perth, but accept all clients across Australia. Our approach is flexible, adjustable, and tailored to each person’s needs. We understand that recovery isn’t just about willpower, but rather developing many aspects of yourself. This process can be slow and frustrating, but it’s essential for long-term healing.
Ready to start your recovery journey? Contact Reverence Recovery today to schedule an appointment for yourself or your loved one.
Author
Dr. Guillaume Walters-du Plooy
Clinical Psychologist